Dear taxpayers,

       Just playing with the calculator here. According to Sen. Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) the U.S. currently spends roughly 5,000 tax dollars per second on the war in Iraq. That’s $300,000 per minute, $18 million per hour, or $432 million a day. At that rate, American taxpayers will shell out close to $158 billion per year on the war. Since 2003, we’ve paid over $523 billion, according to most estimates. If you translated those war dollars into miles, you could travel to Pluto and back 174 times. But, we won’t dare calculate how much that trip would cost in gas.

Columbia City Paper  

Dear lazy beachside avenue,

     Ah, the salt in the air, the ocean breeze, the Parrot Head in a Speedo and unbuttoned Acapulco shirt screaming and pointing wildly at traffic. The beachgoers on giant, umbrella-covered tricycles shouting curses before nose-diving into ditches; the sunbaked elderly flashing their golf cart headlights before careening off the road and over the dunes. Little kids running in terror, inflatable water toys bouncing off my windshield. What gives with these jerks? You’d think we were we’re driving down a one-way street in the wrong direction or something! ...Wait a minute.

Columbia City Paper 

Dear T-Rav,

         Some quick pointers: next time you’re in the yard near the weight bench, pick the biggest guy in C-Block and jump him in full view of both the Aryan gangs and the cholos. That will buy you some time while they feel you out. In the meantime, you’ll want to break off a piece of your toothbrush, sharpen it and fashion a handle out of packing tape. Don’t make it too large, though, as you’ll need to store it rectally while you’re in the showers. Oh, and at visitation, have your secretary bring plenty of cigarettes to trade. See you next spring,

Columbia City Paper