Thank God the college football season is finally here again

 We painstakingly made it through Saturday afternoons of ice skating, horses collapsing, beach volleyball and pro fishing events.  There is now a reason to start drinking beer before noon on Saturday and not seem irresponsible. OK, maybe that’s stretching it, but it feels so good to place a thousand dollar bet and slip into oblivion. Yes, I said I’m placing a thousand dollar bet. I mean it, too. We’re raising the stakes this year and paying for that vacation to Europe in the early spring.  Come Hell or high water-- or my getting bounced from this 1950’s-era Soviet-style apartment with no amenities-- we’re leaving nothing on the field this season.  I will keep tally of how much I am up or down this year so that we can either celebrate together or detour that vacation to the French quarter in Swansea.

Virginia Tech at East Carolina
Point Spread: Virginia Tech by 9.5
To start off the season right, I’m taking one of my favorite coaches, who should have a solid team this year: Mr. Neck Sandwich himself, Frank Beamer.  Virginia Tech is favored by nine and a half points and should cover the spread no problem against a Skip Holtz-led East Carolina team.  But, please don’t actually watch this game. I liken watching a Virginia Tech game to having to sit through a prostate exam when the doctor has to use two extra fingers because he is still drawing air with just one. Trust that there will be plenty of other interesting games on Saturday for you to get your college football fix. I plan to take Virginia Tech for three hundred dollars.

Alabama at Clemson
Point Spread: Clemson by 5
My big game of the week is Alabama at Clemson. Sorry, Clemson fans, I would buy into you guys winning the ACC this year ...until you have to go on the road and play Boston College. Wake Forest is actually my pick to win the ACC. Alabama is my pick to win the SEC West. They are flying under the radar even though they have a coach named Nick Saban. I will be taking this game for one thousand dollars. Here’s why: Any time there is a huge game at the beginning of the season, I always take the underdog. None of these teams are in midseason form and Clemson’s offense will not be firing on all cylinders the first game of the season. Then you go to coaching and talent. Alabama has a better coach and talent levels are virtually equal. 
I feel for you Clemson fans. If you had a different coach leading this team this year, I actually think you would stand a shot at the BCS national title. Let me put it to you this way. As I write this column, my girlfriend’s parrot is sitting on my shoulder, crapping relentlessly. Sure, it’s ruining the back of my desk chair and my carpet. But, while I feel it slowly cooling as it slides down the back of my shirt, I have no one to blame but myself for it being here. Change coaches and you will change your future. Put Bowden back in his cage and return him to the pet store. 
I think Alabama will actually win this game outright. They will definitely cover the five-point spread.  Bama all the way to the bank!

N.C. State at South Carolina
Point Spread: Gamecocks by 12.5
And, finally, let’s all buckle in for the soul-crushing, co-dependent, emotional roller coaster ride we call the Gamecock football season. I’m still a Spurrier fan, but it’s been four years and I want to see results.  I’m the typical Gamecock fan, too. Every year I think the SEC is ours and then the second game of the season hits and reality sets in once more. And, like most of you, my hopes and dreams are, well, shat upon with every Gamecock arrest. (Garcia, man, please just drink your beer inside your dorm room like every other student. Don’t pull up a beach chair on the lawn like you’re at a countryside resort. You other guys: just humor us until January and try not to pop any caps at the next house party. Don’t punch any bouncers and for Christ’s sake, don’t ride dirty. It’s only like three months.) 
I realistically don’t know how the Gamecocks will fair in the SEC. But, one thing is for sure: Spurrier will have Carolina ready to go against the lame Wolf Pack.  The Gamecocks will win this game by three touchdowns. I’m putting five hundred down on this one.
 
Good luck to the teams and fans this season. And for those of you who write in complaining about the jokes in this section you can always take some of the money you win this year following my picks and buy a sense of humor.

This column is intended for entertainment purposes only. Columbia City Paper does not encourage gambling.  

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3.25 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."