You’ve lived in Columbia too long, when…

If you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times: “Columbia’s like a black hole, man, you just can’t leave. And if you do…you always come back.”

Maybe every city is like that. Maybe everyone everywhere has to harbor some kind of visceral desire to move out of their hometown or the city they went to college in but still haven’t left. But still, you hear it all the time: “I just gotta get outa here.”

For many, Columbia is a transient four-year vacation funded by student loans or parents sending their kids off with a credit card for eight semesters of boozing hardcore in a strange town every night. And when that’s over it’s the same old song: “Should I stay or should I go?”

For some, they may leave their mark before going on to the bigger city nights or a life in the limelight and sometimes they may even bring a piece of this town onto the main stage with them. Think of Hootie’s Darius Rucker and the lines “Someone write the story of Five Points / No one wanted to know me / Now they all have opinions of what we do / So they go down to Bar None so we can have a drink or two.”

Others move here, fall in love with it, and never leave. With a nearly inexhaustible number of bars and restaurants in the city for real who can blame them? There’s a couple museums, theaters, comedy clubs and of course the Gamecock shrine of Williams-Brice stadium. Love it or hate it, Columbia is a city unlike many others its size in diversity. From the Greek Village to the Vista West, from Club RA to the Art Bar, the capital city where friendliness flows is one of a kind.

But like any other city, dissension persists and both the transient and the townie will someday say, “I’ve been here just too damn long.”

So the next time you meet someone and ask them where they’re from and they do the shuffle of the feet, the glance downward and the mumble of “I’m from here,” we’ve complied a list to determine if what should follow should be “maybe a little too long.”

You’ve ever taped a BUSCH beer box to your dorm room door with the “B” and the “H” torn off.

You know where to park in Five Points on Thursday night and not get towed.

You know what “Rainbows” are. And you’re wearing them right now. And it’s February.

You know where to get beer on Sundays even if you have to buy them can-by-can over the counter.

The bums in Five Points call you by name.

You know someone who knew someone who knows someone whose grandmother’s slave had sex with Strom Thurmond.

You think the USC vs. Clemson game is a Federal holiday.

You’ve gotten into an argument with someone over the difference between a palm tree and a “palmetto” tree.

You know what a P-bug is.

You know who Bob Peeler is and you miss his big red pick-up truck parked next to the State House.

You can’t remember the last time you saw a real hippie.

You miss Sherlock Holmes on Main Street.

You know what “croakies” are. And you have them on right now. And you’re not in Pavlov’s.

You’ve seen yourself on ESPN’s College Gameday waving a rebel flag around and you weren’t making a joke about it.

You ever puked at the Five Points chili cook off.

You actually miss “Mr. Knows it”

You remember when the guy in the black Santa suit lit the Confederate battle flag on fire at the State House and you think he had the right idea.

You lament the loss of that hot chick, Carrie, who used to do Trivia Night at Delany’s. Even though she mispronounced the word “granite,” she was still hot, goddam it.

You wear a Carolina class ring and work for The State newspaper.

Meritage went out of business…and you still live here.

You have an original “Kipp Shives story.”

You think the Mojito is the hip “new” drink.

You’ve ever thrown up in the Wachovia parking lot in Five Points.

You know how to get on the roof of Knock Knocks, Sharkey’s, Groucho’s and The Village Idiot, and you still do it when you’re drunk.

You’ve successfully snuck into St. Patty’s Day in Five Points.

You’ve ever pointed out Bates West as “the place where they filmed that Road Rules episode.”

You remember $1 Corona’s at Knock Knocks – and miss it.

You have no idea, and don’t even care anymore, who the hell Wilbur Smith really is.

You’ve ever partied in Whaley’s Mill.

You caught Fugazi at the National Guard Armory or any of the great underground shows at places like Ape City, Club Normal, the old 49 Reasons space on Rosewood or Senseless Beauty.

Jim Beam makes you wet.

If you drank beer at a show at Greene Streets, you’re pretty damned old.

Or if you remember when the place that used to be Elbow Room was a diner.

You remember when 5 Points was a rock culture stronghold.

You’ve ever been forced to go out to Art Bar because MySpace was down.

You’ve ever dressed up as SLED for Halloween.

You can’t go to [name that bar] because you slept with the bartender or bouncer.

You remember Maurice Bessinger dressed in a white suit riding a white horse and NOT wearing a white-sheet and cone hat with the eyes cut out

When the temperature gets below 40 degrees you stock up on bottled water and imperishable goods.

You remember the palmetto trees in Five Points.

You’ve ever rented a house or apartment from state Attorney General Henry McMaster.

You remember “The Commons.” Extra points if you lived there.

You remember when you were allowed to drink beer outside other than Budweiser at 5 after five.

You’ve been evicted by Patton Properties.

You know that “chillin’ at the rocks” means.

You know not to go to Wal-Mart on Sundays if you don’t speak Spanish.

You remember when you could score a handjob on Senate Street from a gay prostitute.

You know the bathroom graffiti at the Art Bar by heart— and quote it regularly.

The highlight of your week is when Free Times comes out on Wednesday.

You know where karaoke is every night of the week and avoid it like the plague.

If you’ve never had a beer with Ruba Say… you haven’t been here long enough.

You ever witnessed a drunken couple having sex in a Buick in the parking lot of that blue and red train caboose on Gervais and Pulaski that doubled as an all-night diner. What was the name of that place?

Or, if you didn’t use profanity at Martin’s “Eats.”

You own every Salty Nut and Yesterdays T-shirt since 1998.

You have a surf rack on your SUV— but, sadly, no surfboard.

You’ve ever been to the Woodshed.

You’ve ever woken up in the morning and said “I don’t know how we ever ended up at Group, but…”

You own a Durkin’s membership card.

You’ve been to a bar and had someone call you by your MySpace name.

You’ve ever said, “We can’t go to [whatever bar] tonight because my ex might be there.”

You’ve worn a pink polo, croakies, Rainbow sandals, a camouflaged USC hat and shorts above the knees all in one outfit. And then you had to change because your roommate had on the same thing.

You miss the $1 “Drunk Trolley.”

You’ve ever been blessed by “The Black Pope” in Five Points.

You still compare every other hot dog in town to a “Frank’s dog.”

You skated The Slab or the Burger King bank.

You remember (or more likely have a hazy recollection of) a Rockafella’s rave night.

You know who Jeremiah is and remember 10 of his catch phrases by heart.

You actually spent more than a semester in the Towers.

You miss Tuesday nights at the Have A Nice Day Café

You remember when you could put USC in your March Maddness brackets.

You drive friends from out of town past the big metal fire hydrant downtown and say “So what do you think of that?”

You’ve ever actually counted the number squirrels on the USC Horseshoe

You have no qualms about Seersucker

You cried when Pearl Jam canceled their show at Rockafella’s.

You consider Groucho’s one of the five major food groups

You’ve ever referred to the Publix on Rosewood as “Club Publix”

You’ve actually said the words “Cola Town.” You weren’t joking when you said it either.

You remember Officer Barton.

You miss the CDP.

Joe Azar is currently running for Mayor and you’ve been mentioned in his e-newsletter

You’ve heard the beer poem more than five times

You’ve been spotted

You had Frankenberry cereal and milk dumped on you at a Bedlam Hour show.

If you remember hearing Nirvana on WUSC.

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imported comments(old site)   |2008-04-01 23:31:03 1. Matt Tyler said, July 18th, 2007 at 02:21 PM I can honestly say about a quarter of those apply to me, and I was 8 when Nirvana was on WUSC. Tell Jeremiah I said he smells. 2. john said, July 20th, 2007 at 01:40 PM Wow….what memories…. :( 3. SilDag said, July 23rd, 2007 at 01:03 PM Wow, I have an original Kip Shives story. You could add this one to the list: You miss Courtyard Coffeehouse. 4. Ms. Melissa the Luna Honeybee said, July 23rd, 2007 at 02:02 PM Man, I feel old! And pathetic! Born here in 76. I’ve traveled for over fifteen years, and keep ending up right here and remember every sigle bit of this city (except all of the new stop signs that wig me out). 5. Krystal said, July 23rd, 2007 at 02:27 PM 25 cent draft at Have A Nice Day along with the Happy Bus back in 1997! I lived at “The Commons” and you couldn’t beat it! 6. bobzilla said, July 23rd, 2007 at 02:55 PM You know you’ve lived in Columbia too long when you remember the mammoth keggers (beer truck) they use to have on Evans Street under the old water tower just south of Whaley Street.Free and open to anybody passing by. 7. Jpru said, July 23rd, 2007 at 03:25 PM “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jeremiah’s best catch phrase. You also could have added “if you have ever petted any of Funky Junk’s dogs.” Funky Junk is who we call the bum in 5 points with the grocery cart with all the dogs leashes tied to it, other dogs laying on top, and other dogs following him around. Have a Nice Day used to have the fish bowls on Tuesdays….. 8. Tom said, July 23rd, 2007 at 03:50 PM Ordered a “Dirty Coke” from Paul at The Capitol Restaurant or went to Nite Lite’s @ Embassy Suites. 9. Mark said, July 23rd, 2007 at 04:39 PM Is “Skunk” still living in Columbia? I figure that guy will never leave. 10. Wren said, July 23rd, 2007 at 07:50 PM How about watching the olympic flame from the comfort inn capitol city parking lot? 11. Katman said, July 24th, 2007 at 12:28 AM I remember McMaster bringing that filthy bulldog over to collect the rent on the first of the month. I wanted to kick that dog. We were in the brown Adam’s Family house on Greene Street with the big palm in front. 12. telluride said, July 24th, 2007 at 01:35 AM Um, hello? Nite Works anyone? Where we would always go to hit on married chicks or dental hygenists. This was often referred to as “night cheese”. The only singles bar for 30-somethings before the Vista. 13. Heath said, July 24th, 2007 at 07:26 AM Thursday Night $2 Pitchers @ McKenzies and $2 Anything @ Jungles 14. Matt said, July 24th, 2007 at 03:54 PM When you voted for the Hardy Dance in last year’s Worst of Columbia Awards… knowing full well that the Hardy Dance is about the best thing to come into or out of this city in damn near 10 years. 15. Jo Holly said, July 24th, 2007 at 05:12 PM i have a durkins membership card. i really miss jungles. 16. nancy said, July 24th, 2007 at 07:01 PM that smelly bum with the dogs……. he steals them fyi 17. Joel said, July 24th, 2007 at 07:37 PM ….you remember “$1.50 kamikazes for the next 15 minutes” at CrackerJacks. 18. shanaynay said, July 25th, 2007 at 10:40 AM jello shots at jungle jims, the smell of those nasty bradford pears on saluda street, and when Hootie and the Blowfish opened for Tudy and the Jones… regularly… 19. Brad said, July 25th, 2007 at 11:14 AM This isnt too old but remember when China Garden in 5 points was actually a Chinese Restaurant and not a bar? And it’s still called China Garden! 20. Bootz said, July 25th, 2007 at 01:44 PM stumbling out to the dirt parking lot behind Rumors to pee because the girl’s bathroom only had two stalls 21. Newspaper Hack said, July 25th, 2007 at 05:25 PM Corey, you rat bastard. I’ve visited at least a dozen times in the past couple years and you never told me Meritage and Sherlock Holmes were gone. That being said, this list made me a little misty. Time to hit the package store. 22. Joe said, July 25th, 2007 at 06:20 PM Tamany Hall on Harden Street but more importantly, Clyde’s across from Peach’s on Harden…best raw fries in town. 23. Vince Vaughn said, July 25th, 2007 at 06:21 PM The Dharma Dogs rockin Group. 24. Gregg Rosenblatt said, July 25th, 2007 at 11:48 PM I miss Bates House 9th floor, keg parties in the Russell House- 25. Margaret said, July 26th, 2007 at 12:06 PM You ever had a run in with “Stone Cold Steve Austin” in 5 points! 26. MHS said, July 26th, 2007 at 01:57 PM …you rember where the sand pits where??? Anyone, Bueler, Bueler…. 27. DH said, July 27th, 2007 at 10:41 AM you remember Jimmy in the heyday of the cockpit 28. Steven Bradford said, July 27th, 2007 at 02:42 PM Most of these are pretty stupid because they don’t apply to a general group of people who have lived in Columbia a long time, but more specifically to people between the ages of 35-40 who were a bit on the hippy side and really into the local music scene. Sure you threw in the croakies and pink shirt for the USC Greeks, but most people did not hang out at Art Bar or read the Free Times. 29. Helen said, July 27th, 2007 at 02:48 PM You remember Spider Monkey at Elbow Room, at Pavlov’s, at Jungle Jim’s….. 30. Seabass said, July 27th, 2007 at 03:31 PM You’re right Steven, they should have put one in there specifically for you, like, oh I don’t know…”When people say The Cockpit you instantly think of that glory hole in second stall of the men’s room in Checkers” 31. McMaster's friend said, July 27th, 2007 at 11:09 PM dont worry Katman, barnwell (that bulldog that you wanted to kick) died a couple of weeks ago. family was devastated. do you still want to kick him??? i hope your dog is doing fine 32. Occom's pearl applicator said, July 28th, 2007 at 12:18 AM Where was FITSnews on this? Someone totally dropped the ball over there; it should have gotten more attention from that that guy than Lindsey Lohan 33. Shane said, July 28th, 2007 at 01:42 PM You’ve ever rolled into five points in a shopping cart and parked it outside the bar! 34. Clay said, July 29th, 2007 at 10:39 PM Holy Crap, Fugazi was in Cola? Hell, I saw Black Flag one night and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Fetchin’ Bones another at the old tiny Huger Street Theatre, talk about old! 35. Alison said, July 30th, 2007 at 03:30 PM You saw Luther, the bum from Jungles, at a house party even after the bars closed! 36. Alison said, July 30th, 2007 at 03:35 PM one more…you remember when you had to have a KEY to get in Knock Knock (hence, the name)! 37. Nate said, July 31st, 2007 at 03:08 PM What about Jim Casey’s???? 38. J. Roach said, August 1st, 2007 at 10:34 AM Excellent! Although, you can’t refer to Stump and Richard as the just the bums in 5 points, they are staples of my college experience, ‘97-‘02, and when I came back in ‘05. 39. J.R. said, August 1st, 2007 at 10:43 AM And what about the guy who walks 5 points and Divine St with nine layers of sweats on year round and takes showers in your yard with your hose. What was his name? Carl? 40. LCR said, August 1st, 2007 at 10:55 AM That would be Tony, J.R. 41. J.R. said, August 1st, 2007 at 11:09 AM Thanks LCR, or should I say DeeDee, who I met 3 years ago at Salty Nut/Pavlovs and is now my wife. AWESOME! Thanks “Cola town”, and I ‘m not kidding! 42. Zach Roach said, August 1st, 2007 at 11:27 AM I’ve been out of Columbia for awhile, I work up in Charlotte… a stone’s throw away. Anyway, many of those experiences I have shared and brought a smile to my face. Is this the part wear Columbia tries to suck me back in. Good Luck, you dirty bitch of a City! 43. Lived it, loved it, hated it said, August 1st, 2007 at 08:54 PM Still manage to make it to Bar None everytime I am in Columbia but with out Aaron it will never be the same. However, I can take a trip to Group and still see someone I knew when I turned 21 in there 3 times. And can anyone tell me why did they paint it that “make me want to puke yellow”? 44. J.R. said, August 2nd, 2007 at 08:37 AM You can’t talk about being in Columbia in the first half of this decade and not mention the Red Haired Nihilist that delivered your Beezer’s sandwich by moped at 4am! 45. Jimbo said, August 2nd, 2007 at 11:10 AM Quoting Jeff Howard’s “college song”…check it out on youtube “Hey mom, guess what I’m learnin’, it’s just two bucks for a coke and a bourbon. Hey dad aren’t you proud, i can do a keg stand for two minutes now! Hey little brother I wasn’t lying, you can get laid with out even trying!” Written and performed by a proud gamecock who had a few $2 beam and cokes at sharky’s! 46. REG said, August 2nd, 2007 at 12:28 PM Beam and Cokes made Jeff bloated, I remember the vodka cranberries. What happened to Cody Brody. 47. Hed said, August 2nd, 2007 at 03:18 PM And I cant wait to do all again this Fall season. Go Cocks! 48. Southeast x Northwest said, August 7th, 2007 at 12:34 PM One word…..Tannyhill. 49. Courtney said, August 7th, 2007 at 06:05 PM maybe too old for some of y’all-quarter drafts at Pug’s…until the stack of cups hit the bottom (or top) of the picture frame 50. d-in-ga said, August 26th, 2007 at 09:03 PM When you walk into Andy’s after many years, and he remembers your name … that’s what Columbia is to me! 51. Tiffy said, October 25th, 2007 at 01:03 PM Oh MAN did this list take me back. Yes, I’ve seen bands at Greenstreets (including Hootie) and remember the Elbow Room when it was the Breakfast Club. Guess that makes me older’n dirt, eh? I remember Night Works, although we called it “Cheese Works”. I had a friend who used to love to go there and pick up married chicks. China Garden is a BAR now? Holy crap. I’ve gotta get back to Cola Town soon. Reply | Quote 0   0

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