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Special gifts for the side of the family that lives in Pelion

Clothing and Accessories

Lingerie Re-ignite the passion in your relationship with a new Tweety Bird sleeping shirt for the Missus. She’ll look and feel like the young high school sophomore she was on your first date in the back seat of your Camaro. Cost: $8. Limited availability in plus sizes. Available at Wal Mart and some Family Dollar locations.

Headwear Them sissy hippie types have turned something as all-America as a mesh Bocephus ball cap into an ironic fashion accessory. Luckily, the redneck on your gift list has never had cable TV and will appreciate the “Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em, 69 ‘Em” cap as much as if he’d bought it at the truck stop in 1982 himself. Available at MeshHat.com. Price: $12.99

Body Tanning Stickers

Fellas give yourselves a little gift this Christmas. Pretty soon your sweeties will be heading to the tanning bed after their shift at Stuckey’s to get all boodylicious for the summer weekends at the lake. And nothing goes better with a swimsuit and press-on nails than a fleshy Playboy bunny design standing out on your honey’s hip. Also available in butterfly, cherries and marijuana leaf designs. Available at SunPowerSource.com or at your local tanning bed. Cost: $9.99 for a roll.

Pack of dress T-shirts

For church or a fancy night on the town. Also available with breast pockets for holding important documents in family court. Fruit of the Loom 4 pack Black/Gray, Available at K-Mart. Cost: $9.99. Fruit of the Loom Golden Thread Pocket Tee. Available at K-Mart. Cost: $4.49/ea.

Moccasin slippers

Tired of bailing your husband out of jail because he can never outrun the police in flip-flops? Upgrade him to a pair of Moccasin slippers. The rubber tread is good for traction and will protect his feet and the faux leather will provide insulation while he hides in a thicket from the search lights. Available at Payless shoe stores. Cost: $7.99

Kitchenware

Bowie knife The perfect marriage of form and balance. Can slice through a can of Spam and then dice the okra to go with it. Will also make Chrystal’s ex, Lonnie, think twice before he gets wise at the bar again. Decorative leather holster included. Available at Barnyard Flea Market. Cost: $50.

Plastic flatware

Start saving those extra utensil packets from Bojangle’s and you’ll have a full set by Christmas. Cost: free. Take your gift to the next level by including paper plates. Cost: $2.19.

Cookbook

For the gourmet in your river shack, give the gift that keeps on giving: the White Trash Cooking cookbook by Ernest Mickler. Recipes that cover the whole spectrum of the food chain. Great tips for frying catfish and stewing possum. Available to order through Happy Bookseller at www.happybookseller.com. Cost: $19.95.

Georgia Moon corn liquor gift pack

Great for grandma’s “likker” cabinet. Comes packaged in a large Ziploc bag with a can of Mountain Dew and a couple of plastic cups. …Seriously. Available at Greene’s.

Health & Comfort

Back scratcher

Take Cheryl out to a high-class dinner at Ryan’s then rub her back on a romantic Christmas night. Also works great as a hairbrush. Top of the line: $30 at Target. But you can get a good stainless steel one at K-Mart for $8.99.

French Tickler

What do you give a teenaged stepson who has everything? Say Bonjour to this little gem. Not only will he learn safety and responsibility in his relationship with the trailer park floozy down the road, he’ll do it with moxie. Available at the “health center” above trunk stop sinks. Cost: 75 cents (quarters only).

One-a-day vitamin pack

Stay sharp and energized with one-a-day White Cross energy caplets. Or try Orange Speedballs and NoDoz. Sometimes known colloquially as “trucker speed,” they’ll keep that special person on your list focused and alert through those long 3rd shifts and make them the life of the party on nights out with friends. Available over the counter at most rural convenience stores. Cost: $5 to $8.

Jacuzzi

Sure, buying that trampoline last year really showed the neighbor who is king of your block. But to really see how the other half lives give your family the gift of a luxurious outdoor Jacuzzi. Cost: Galvanized metal washtub, $10.99. Clothes dryer exhaust hose to run from truck exhaust pipe to water for superheated bubbles: $12.99. Call your local hardware store for more details.

Home gym

The design of the basic weight bench hasn’t changed much over the years. Why mess with perfection? A staple for the fitness nut in your life and will look great in your front yard near the goat pen. Need extra weight? Just throw on a couple of cinderblocks and go for it! Available at Wal-Mart for $58 or you can find them used in most roadside landfills.

Home and Garden

A new set of curtains will liven up any room in the trailer and will keep the pesky sun at bay while you’re loved one tries to sleep off a case of Icehouse from the night before. A great gift for Mom. Cost: Dale Earnhardt “Number 3” bed sheet set, $36.99. Thumbtacks, 85 cents.

Your wife has been riding your ass to get that broken stove out of the living room for a year now, right? For a low cost gift, drag it out into her flowerbed and plant some monkey grass around it. She’ll love her new ornament. Also works with busted refrigerators. And best of all: it’s free!

Is Papaw complaining about his back again? Get rid of the old wooden rocker on the front porch and let him sit out the rest of his days in style. Faux leather finish resists gnawing from rats and possums and is easily hosed off if grandpa makes a boo boo. Available in most trash piles on Thursday mornings.

Surprise your little lady with a deluxe outhouse like the kind they’ve got down at the construction site from which you were recently fired. Hell, surprise her with the port-a-potty they’ve got down at the construction site. But if you want your own new one, plus cleaning service it’ll run you around $90 per month. 1-888-PORTA-JOHN (1-888-767-8256).

Contains camo-colored hunter’s popcorn for a quick snack in the deer stand, raccoon roadkill bites, “fartless” chili mix and other goodies. Comes in a reusable basket. Available at

Electronics and Automotive

Jerry Springer Unleashed, Undressed, Uncensored, Vol. 1 DVD

Let your cousin relive his television debut with a commemorative Jerry Springer DVD. Before going online, check with local stores to see if it is available through special order. Cost: $19.98.

Pocket breathalyzer

Does your Dad have to constantly borrow your little sister’s bicycle to ride to the store for a tallboy of Coors or putter around town on a moped looking for work due to one DUI too many? Well, the compact and easy to use AlcoScan AL2500 Premium Personal Digital Alcohol Breath Analyzer may be the answer to his (and your) troubles. Available at AlcoTesters.com. Cost: $79.95.

Auto-Expressions™ Mossy Oak® Truck Rear Window Tint If them hip hoppers can have their tinted windows, then by God your man can too. This see-through adhesive tint fits most pickup truck rear windows. Features Mossy Oak® camo accents. Dimensions: 2’ x 5-1/2’. Available at Bass Pro Shops. Cost: $19.99. Bondo Plastic Filler (with hardener) Your hubby finally got his truck off the cinderblocks in the yard and would be ready to roll if it weren’t for those rusted holes in the fenders and doors. Help him hit the road in style with a Bondo body repair kit. Fixes holes and, considering he’ll never get around to painting it, gives the truck that signature “Spotted Saddle Horse” look, also known as the “Pelion paint job.” Mix different types to have spots in both white and red. Available at Advance Auto Parts. Cost: $17.77 per gallon.

“Stuff fer the kids”

Carton of cigarettes

Need a quick stocking stuffer for little Jimmy but don’t have time to go out to the discount firework and cigarette outlet near the Interstate? Fear not. South Carolina has the cheapest smokes in the nation. And are available most anywhere in cartons. Cost: Around $21 per carton, depending on store and brand.

Prepaid phone card

Another great stocking stuffer for the kids: the gift of family. Let the little guys call their Deddy and uncle Darrell and cousin Jolene in the county jail to wish them happy holidays. Available at Lil’ Cricket and other convenience stores. Cost: $10 to $50.

Gift certificate to a local family counselor

If you try to explain why daddy’s in the Klan and mama posed for Juggs, you’ll just confuse them further. Why not let a paid professional help? Available through the Gifts of Hope program of South Carolina and Lutheran Family Services of the Carolinas. Cost: $85.

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