This year’s General Election on Nov. 7 is anticipated to be as big a snoozer as ever.

Who knows why, but for whatever reason a large portion of Columbia’s registered voters never bother to show up to the polls. Whether it’s a mayoral election or The Big One, the numbers consistently show an apathetic turnout at the voting booths when it’s time to use that little blue voter registration card, tap a few YES/NOs on the touch-screen and have that nice little old lady slap the “I voted” sticker on your chest as you leave. Whether it’s the enormous student population- who are, what, too stoned, hung over, zombified by MySpace or just don’t know what they’re voting for- or the fact that Richland

County historically votes blue in one of the reddest states in the nation and everyone knows “Democrats don’t vote if it’s raining,” this year’s General Election on Nov. 7 is anticipated to be as big a snoozer as ever.

So in the spirit of irreverence and an attempt to get out the young, alterative vote, City Paper has done our best to profile the candidates for office and break down the amendment questions so our readers from the City of Columbia will at least have something to relate to if they bother to take 20 minutes out of their day Nov. 7 to get involved in that very cornerstone of Democracy.

So here is the list of candidates you will see on the ballot when you go to the location typed on the bottom of your State of S.C. Voter Registration Notification card in a totally subjective and by no means balanced assessment on our part.

GOVERNOR - Mark Sanford (R) Mark Sanford and his administration refuse to talk with the Columbia City Paper editorial staff. “We’re just not… going to be taking questions from your publication,” said Sanford’s spokesman, Joel Sawyer. In a very “Road to Damascus” moment, however, when our news editor watched the USC-Auburn game from the governor’s private skybox at Williams-Brice stadium, Sanford did talk to him. “We’re only down by four,” our editor said to him. “We are,” Sanford responded. So we’re thinking from now on, just for kicks, if Gov. Sanford is re-elected for another term and still refuses to talk with us, we’ll just use his “We are,” response for everything. Example: City Paper: Are you budgeting a plan to hire a barrel of tranny-clown prostitutes to cater the legislative session with taxpayer money? Sanford: We are. On the other hand, Marshall Sanford is a wicked smart guy, a bit of a maverick who seems to have a libertarian streak to him, and we think it’s cool and pretty hard core that he’d rather be an outsider within his own party than play the Good ‘Ole Boy game- especially in this state. Also, even though some folks say he’s not a RINO (Republican In Name Only), we did once see him at the Rhino Room in the Vista scoffing down a ribeye, fries and a Budweiser. But he won’t talk to City Paper. And for that, I’m sorry, pal, even if you did let us into your skybox, we just can’t vote for you.

GOVERNOR - Tommy Moore (D) State Sen. Tommy Moore sat down with this publication for 20 minutes and talked about everything from Madden ‘07 for Xbox to achieving a plan for 20-somethings to obtain affordable health care. He said he would always talk to the press, including us, and he would “take his lumps” when we disagreed on an issue. Moore has been in S.C. politics for over 20 years and grew up in a mill town. While his TV ads may have shown up late in the game, they look a hell of a lot better than Sanford’s “country boy” pandering, and as ubiquitous S.C blogger Laurin Manning of the S.C. blog Laurinline said, Moore sounds more like the “guy next door” while Sanford just sounds like a guy from Florida. Esquire magazine has also endorsed Moore in this month’s issue. So do we.

LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR - Andre Bauer (R) This guy is a total clown. Being in the newspaper business, elected officials like Bauer are the kinds of people who make our working lives a lot easier and a whole lot more fun. This guy pretty much writes the headlines for himself. Slow news week? Let’s see what whack-job stunt Andre Bauer pulled in the last 24 hours. Whether it’s getting thrown out of a Vista bar, careening through Five Points like Patrick Kennedy, weaseling out of a speeding ticket exceeding 100 mph, or crashing a plane in perfect weather, Andre “SC 2” Bauer is a made-forthe- front-page politician. And when he tries suing us for printing this, you can bet The State newspaper will report it. But what of his political contributions? Yeah, I don’t know; he’s done some pretty good stuff for senior citizens and everyone knows he “works his ass off.” The Lt. Gov. is a part time job without too much power anyway so he might be worth it if only for the headlines.

LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR - Robert Barber (D) Robert “blue collar” Barber wants you to see him shaking hands with construction workers and working family types. He’s all about where Main Street meets New Street and as far as we know probably wouldn’t use his political clout to invite a 20-something girl up into the bell of the State House. While the current governor and the current “lite governor” can’t seem to get along, Barber says he wants to improve public schools and if he and Moore are both elected, the two would probably do a bang up job tag teaming the corridor of shame. As a Methodist minister, small business owner and representative of a historically Republican district, this grandfather says he knows what it takes to be accountable and, as a Democrat, get along well with others-even those who aren’t.

SECRETARY OF STATE - Mark Hammond (R) Alaska, Hawaii and Utah don’t even have a Secretary of State. In Florida, Oklahoma and Texas, they don’t even get to elect the secretarythe governor appoints the position. In other states, the legislature appoints it. South Carolinians are lucky; we get to vote. The S.C. Secretary of State’s mission is to oversee the statewide registration of corporations, the incorporation of municipalities and annexations of land. If you ask Hammond what his job is though, he’ll say it’s simple: to provide the taxpayer with the best return for their investment in state government.

SECRETARYOF STATE - Cheryl L. Footman (D) Bringing the Democratic ruckus Wu-Tang style against the incumbent on Nov. 7 is Orangeburg special education and mass media teacher Cheryl L. Footman who’s graphic-laden Web site boasts, “Together, we can make history.” Footman wants to promote and stabilize small business in the state while attracting big businesses to South Carolina. Think Five Points meets Harbison Blvd. She was the only Democrat to file for the seat.

STATE TREASURER - Grady Patterson (D) This bozo is a freakin’ geezer. He’s 82 if you ask The State and 83 if you ask the Free Times. Just for the hell of it, we’ll go ahead and call him

1. Either way he’s been doing the job of state treasurer for over 30 years and is obviously not running again only to add pages to his resume. While he refuses to debate his slick, young, rich challenger, Patterson is like South Carolina’s official grandaddy now that Strom Thurmond is pushing up illegitimate daisies. We think he’ll probably continue to do a good job.

STATE TREASURER – Thomas Ravenel (R) The 44-year-old millionaire and Charleston developer, Thomas Ravenel, once told The State “That’s how I operate, that’s how I roll. That’s how Thomas Ravenel rolls.” Maybe 40 is the new 20. Anyway, this guy reportedly fraternizes with irresponsible man-children like Andre Bauer and Will Folks (MySpace pages and all) and, if you ask us, there are enough of those jokers in S.C politics as it is. In 2004, Ravenel also tried for the U.S. Senate Republican nomination.

ATTORNEY GENERAL – Henry McMaster (R) This “for the people’s” ringmaster seat is uncontested. His wife is a Columbia landlord with over 40 units and Henry has no problem getting his own hands dirty, painting houses they own or doing landscaping work on them himself. He once rescued a baby owl that had fallen from a tree in front of the old City Paper office and has worked hard to punish wife beaters and degenerate rednecks who set up hog and dog fights. Thing is, he’s also the one heading up the Marriage Amendment, defining marriage as between “one man and one woman,” which to us is a little too “Old South” and backwards but those in the game know a little pandering can go a long way politically. And hey, you do see that big “R” next to his name.

COMPTROLLER GENERAL – Richard Eckstrom (R) South Carolina’s race for comptroller general wins hands down for the most fun for journalists to cover, pundits to comment on, and blog dorks to bust wide open. The race was even parodied in a skit on Saturday Night Live in which Eckstrom apologizes for using a state vehicle to take his family on vacation. Yes, he did do it and he apologized even though it might not have been against the law. Eckstrom is a guy who seems to really enjoy doing his job—supervising the expenditures of all state funds, all payrolls for state offices and voting on the State Budget and Control Board, that is. Rod Shealy, an advisor to Ecktrom, was fined $500 in 1991 for not filing proper campaign reporting paperwork. The Associated Press reported that Shealy had hired an unemployed black fisherman to run in a Lowcountry race to increase voter turnout. Shealy has since hired Gov. Sanford’s former rodeo clown, Will Folks, to respond to attacks by Eckstrom’s opponent in the race and on his personal Web log www.faithinthesound.blogspot.com Folks wrote: “Long regarded as the undisputed “King of the Ladies” in the South Carolina political sphere, [Folks] has been asked to give up his crown for just the second time in five years owing to the sudden and unexpected emergence of Democratic Comptroller General Candidate Drew Theodore as a challenger.” Will “King of the Ladies” Folks last year pleaded guilty to a— whoa! gotcha—thought we’d go there didn’t you?

COMTROLLER GENERAL – Drew Theodore (D) Who is Drew Theodore and where did he come from? Well, he’s the son of former Lt. Gov. Nick Theodore and— well— that might be it. That was until the Web log S.C. Solon reported over 700 Web posts by Theodore on a Porsche enthusiast’s Web site where he wrote self-deprecating anecdotes about his stock portfolio and related the humidity of Columbia to the “armpit of the south.” The media, as you can imagine, loved it. Because those running for office better not have any hobbies and if they do they better not have a sense of humor about it lest the www.schotline.com neocon groupies do some “serious” Web digging. Theodore is all about open government and wants to provide quarterly reports to the taxpayers about how their tax dollars are being spent. No word yet on how many Theodore bashers can fit in a Porsche.

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Tony Fayyazi (Independence) Fayyazi is not a lawyer, a banker, a developer or seeking a position to add pages to his resume. He is an educator and a graduate of USC who became a U.S. citizen in 1986. Fayyazi doesn’t show up to classrooms strictly for photo opportunities, he does so, and has done so for the past 10 years, in order to educate kids because he “believes in the power of children.” Clowns: Continued from page 4

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Arnold E. Karr (Green) Arnold Karr told the (Anderson) Independent-Mail that he does not support spending public money to allow parents to send their kids to private schools. He also said he’d like to explore ways that wealthier schools could distribute money to schools less fortunate.

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Karen Floyd (R) Running on the “kind of attractive best friend’s mom” ticket is this candidate who thinks she’s running for cougar-in-chief. But here’s the deal: [from The (Greenville) Beat] the dust had barely settled from the 2004 election when state GOP officials started to worry about the incumbent superintendent of education. The idea was to find an attractive Republican candidate early, around whom the state party could unite. In the spring of 2005, they found their man – uh, woman. Karen Floyd of Spartanburg had an impressive resume on paper and had not stayed in any job long enough to make a lot of serious enemies. An attorney who had served as both a prosecutor and judge, she had been elected chair of the Spartanburg County Council. The word went out among the party elders, and the elected officials quickly fell into line. Before you could say “voucher,” Floyd had been endorsed by Gov. Mark Sanford, Senators Lindsey Graham and Jim DeMint, Congressmen Joe Wilson and Gresham Barrett; House Speaker Bobby Harrell, Senate Majority Leader Harvey Peeler and most of the Republicans in the General Assembly. This is not to say that many of these individuals knew anything about Floyd beyond the “R” that would appear after her name on the ballot. So that’s pretty much that. Wow, can somebody say vOUCHer?

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Tim Moultrie (Libertarian) Tim Moultrie wants to change the culture of public education, and while he’s at it, politics. He’s also got a really whacked-out idea that we kind of think is pretty ballsy. He has, for the voters, a “Candidate Employee Contract.” For serious. The contract, he says, will actually keep him legally bound to what he says or he will not be allowed to run for re-election. If you like this idea, which says a lot about accountability in this office, you can read the contract at www.supered. org.files/contract.pdf

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Jim Rex (D) With Jim Rex you don’t just get Jim Rex you also get his wife Sue, an author of books and articles about student fears, helping children say no to smoking, school bullying, and a female teen’s guide to saying no to sex. But she’s not running for the job— Jimmy is— and what Jim Rex wants you to know is that he’s a teacher, coach, parent, leader and innovator who has the background and skills necessary for the job of superintendent. Rex has been the dean of education at Winthrop University and Coastal Carolina, the president of Columbia College and the vice president of university advancement at USC. Like a tyrannosaurus knows carnivorous behavior, Jim knows education.

STATE SUPERINTENDENT OF EDUCATION – Ralph Lindblad (Constitution) This guy isn’t any pantomime. He’s got a mouth on him that would have Flunky thrown off the Tonight Show. He told WLTX that if elected he’ll do everything in his power to eliminate the South Carolina Department of Education because its massive bureaucracy is a roadblock to good education. We like that about him. He also told www.wspa.com that “It is pretty clear that government education is a failure. It is a cash cow for the politically connected. The change agents that run it have an agenda to create loyal serfs for the New World Order and do not care about reading, writing, and arithmetic.” Lindblad also wants to to privatize schools because he says it’s “the only thing that will ever restore America’s Christian Heritage.” He sounds like kind you hire out of the yellowpages who shows up to your kid’s birthday party late, obviosuly stoned, reeking of malt liquor and with balloon animals that look more like a dick-and-balls than any monkey or giraffe. And that, my friends, is why we’re voting for him.

ADJUTANT GENERAL – Stan Spears (R) What the hell is the adjutant general? Well, it’s the senior military officer and de facto commander of a state’s military forces— the person who leads the state National Guard— and this guy’s been doing it since 1995. One interesting thing to note about him is that used to be a Democrat. Weirder still is that South Carolina is the only state whose voters elect a candidate to the position instead of having it appointed. Spears, who is 69 and has held the position for the past 12 years, probably likes this anomaly seeing how he’s done so without ever having commanded troops in combat.

ADJUTANT GENERAL – Glenn Lindman (D) Iraq War Veteran Glenn Lindman on the other hand, would rather have the position of adjutant general appointed by the governor, according to The State’s opinion page editor Brad Warthen. Conceivably, because of the current system of electing the position instead of appointing it, it seems there’s nothing to stop a citizen with no military experience from actually getting elected. Lindman has commanded troops in combat and feels the position of adjutant general (probably a mostly administrative position anyway) should be based on merit not popularity. He was awarded a Bronze Star and was a first sergeant in the Guard. It would take a change in the state constitution to have the position appointed rather than elected. It is Lindman’s experience as a leader in military service that sets him apart for the job.

COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE – Hugh Weathers (R) The incumbent, Hugh Weathers, was appointed by Gov. Sanford in 2004 and the Greenville News sure gets their rocks off on him because they feel this goofball has “greater experience and more ideas to help the state’s farmers compete more effectively,” and “has proven himself more than capable of doing this job in his two years as South Carolina agriculture commissioner.” But you know just doesn’t have those tripped-out, zany TV ads and personality that his challenger does. When we say “clown,” think of this guy showing up wearing nothing but a pinwheel hat while his opponent comes decked out in full-on Krusty gear riding a unicycle and juggling greased-up walrus tusks while balancing the state budget on his chin. Some S.C. bloggers also wondered recently why Comedy Central’s Steven Colbert (a James Island, South Carolina native) of The Colbert Report, was more fired up over Georgia’s claim as “the peach state”– when he believed the Palmetto State should have the title– than our own commissioner of agriculture.

COMMISSIONER OF AGRICULTURE – Emile DeFelice (D) Emile DeFelice and his “put your state on your plate” campaign shows he is a pretty hip guy. The alternative media loves him; the alternative population loves him, as do proponents of organic and niche farming. We love him because of his whacked-out TV ad spots, his enthusiasm for buying local and that his fundraisers have packed the Hunter Gather in Columbia more than a car full of– well by now you can probably finish it. “Building a local food system supports farmers,” he says, “and puts fresh South Carolina products on your plate. It also puts more of our dollars to work at home, fosters economic development, encourages oldfashioned values, and increases security.” In a city that seems to outsource any chance it gets, in a state that seems to outsource any chance it gets, in a country that seems to outsource any chance it gets, Emile DeFelice is a guy who knows that’s the wrong road toward economic growth. If you’re the kind of schmuck who would drive out to Wal-Mart for frozen vegetables rather than go to the Farmer’s Market and would rather drink your Blended Venti Mocha Frappucinos (with the chocolate drizzle) at Starbucks instead of going to Immaculate Consumption then you’ll probably vote for the other guy—and, no doubt, love the “R” by his name.

AMENDMENT 1 TO THE STATE CONSTITUTION (A.K.A “THE MARRIAGE AMENDMENT”) YES OR NO The way we see it, voting YES to this amendment will bring South Carolina back into the dark ages of social conservatism, the backwards redneck pre-civil rights Old South, where people three miles outside any S.C. city are scared of anyone who’s not white or puts gel in their hair. Here’s the deal: It’s 2006 and all the Strom Thurmond/ Trent Lott bubbas will be dead in the next decade or so and they all want to scratch just one more initial into the coffin of state’s constitution before their old, white, Republican, landowning, n-word dropping souls dry up and head for purgatory. We’re voting NO.

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3.25 Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."

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